Crap I Think of While Mowing the Lawn

Volume 5

(other than This Lawn Looks Like Crap)


Interesting, if not deep, thoughts often pop into my head while I’m doing battle with my lawn. And yes, I do battle with a non-gas, non-electric, old-fashioned push mower. An actual reel mower. And my mind tends to think of some semi-interesting crap while I push along.


Back to the Wall

Welcome to Volume 5 of Crap I Think of While Mowing the Lawn.




And so it was that at 3:45 am on Saturday morning while not knowing what to write about for Sunday morning (and hoping I might even be able to sleep till at least 6 am that morning), I came across the following ad teaser in one of my overstuffed inboxes: Want to spend less time doing yard work?, it teased. Sure…although I may have needed more time this week to get my thoughts together,


When I clicked on the link, I was greeted with the type of infomercial that I would see if I were watching TV at this fine hour. The narrator’s voice – at the volume my laptop was set – was a little too loud and proud for what he was selling, but the product caught my interest. Yes, it’s the Incredible Expanding Flex-Able (insert a TM symbol next to the graphic of a hose in action) Hose, and it has nothing to do with Ciallis. It’s a 25-foot hose that weighs less than a piece of fish food and expands to about half a mile.  No kinks, no knots, no breakage, it also folds up neatly into your basic sandwich baggie.

This hose is kind of like the ones that firemen use, I think. At least while they’re off-duty. Water your lawn and all of the cars in your municipality without your hose ever twisting!


This is not a plug, but yes, it looks mega-cool. And I think they’re offering a buy one/get one for the price of a piece of gum…although postage and handling is about $500 per unit. Not sure why, as they should be able to send it in a regular postage envelope, right?


With offers this compelling, I’m glad that I don’t have my credit card handy (I’m not a Pay Pal user) and I’m way too tired to search for my wallet.


Sarcasm aside, I think I can use one of these suckers. The only attachment for my hose is in my backyard, and I don’t think I’ve bought a hose since inheriting the one that came with this house 11 years ago. This hose barely reaches the side of my lawn, and my brownsward is not that huge.

Now, the hose doesn’t get used all that often. My wife uses it to water her garden once in a while. I haven’t purposely watered a browned-out yard in these 11 years. I did use it to spray off some tables and chairs before last weekend’s barbecue, and it was okay for that purpose…although it would have been nice to see it fold up into the size of a pencil after using it.

And if I had this incredible, amazing shrinking hose, I would actually be able to wash my cars every now and then. The present hose doesn’t come close to reaching my driveway and driving my car into the backyard for this purpose seems a little excessive. Or redneck-y. Or something that would cost me a whole lot more than the $5.99 I would save from taking it to the car wash twice a year.


Still, I’m sure that if I could afford the postage and handling, that I would buy this, as I rarely think through the actual practicalities of such purchases. My wife and I haven’t made too many impulsive purchases, although we are both much better buyers than sellers. Come to think of it, I wish I could find that incredible, amazing expanding magnetic wallet that I once bought.

We did once purchase an exercise machine…was it called the Gazelle…with the ad featuring some bare-chested, ponytailed dude (Tony Little, I think) and some fine looking women. If memory serves, it got delivered to us on the morning of 9-11. Yes, THAT 9-11. I was working afternoons then, and was even excited about using my new machine when my sister-in-law called to tell us to turn on the news. Something horrific was happening. Now, that shouldn’t be an excuse for almost never using that product, which wasn’t too bad.

Are you up for another irony? On that fateful morning, we got a nasty note on our front door from the fireman who lived across the street from us. We lived in a townhouse (a group of six) at the time, and there were no reserved parking spots. Apparently, our customary spot was taken and we parked across the street in his unreserved spot. I’m really hoping that Mr. Fireman had no inkling of the news when he marched across the street to put that nastygram on our door. If I had an amazing, incredible expanding hose at the time, I would have sprayed his front windows…but of course, I didn’t need a hose then. Our badly inflated homeowner’s association dues paid for someone to beautify our postage-stamp-sized front lawn.

13 years after that highly strange day, I’m thinking that I need a good hose, postage and handling be damned. Time to wake up and find my incredible, amazing, invisible, expanding magnetic wallet which is tied to my incredible, amazing shrinking bank account.


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