Crap I Think of While Mowing the Lawn

(other than This Lawn Looks Like Crap)


Interesting, if not deep, thoughts often pop into my head while I’m doing battle with my lawn. And yes, I do battle with a non-gas, non-electric, old-fashioned push mower. An actual reel mower. And my mind tends to think of some semi-interesting crap while I push along.


Mower and Statesman

Welcome to Volume 8 of Crap I Think of While Mowing the Lawn.




I was thinking about the Washington Redskins nickname controversy which, apparently, came closer to a name-changing resolution this past week. Of course, no matter what the Trademark Trial and Appeal Board of the US Patent Office just ruled, it appears that dunderheaded Redskins (for now) owner Dan Snyder will fight any efforts to change the racially insensitive name. Can we just get rid of Snyder and Donald Sterling (are there any other odious pro sports owners with the initials DS) already?

This continuing saga had me envisioning a sports league called the NAFL – which of course, stands for the Native American Football League. And this journey of the mind had me conjuring up a conversation with NAFL commissioner Geronimo Rosenbloom. Here, for your edification and amusement, is a rough transcript.


Matt:  Thanks for taking the time to join me today, Mr. Rosenbloom. How is everything at the NAFL?

Rosenbloom: It’s going well, Matt. Please call me Geronimo. Shalom.

Matt: Geronimo, I contacted you to get your take on the controversy surrounding the NFL’s Washington Redskins, and I also thought I’d learn a little more about your league, the NF, er, NA…FL.

Rosenbloom: I don’t have a strong opinion on the Redskins mess, but our own league dealt with a nickname change years ago. Havenu shalom.

Matt:  Before getting to that situation, please tell us a little about the NAFL. To be frank, I know very little about it. (Actually, to be frank, I knew nothing about it.) How many teams do you have, and what are their nicknames?

Geronimo: Currently, we have four teams: The Soaring Eagle, The Wandering Bear, The Flying 28 and the Whiteskin.

Matt: Two things jump out at me. First, I notice you use the singular form of nicknames. And—

Geronimo: Yes, we believe that the singular is more poetic. Like the Miami Heat and the Utah Jazz.

Matt: Actually, there is no plural of Jazz. You can’t say The Jazzes.

Geronimo: Oh, I thought it was because there is only one jazz player in the state of Utah. Why in the vast wilderness is Utah called the Jazz? Oy gevalt!

Matt: Who the hell knows. But before we get to the Whiteskin, is Flying 28 an homage to the amount of elders in the Cherokee Nation?

Geronimo: No, we have 28-man rosters. Where did you come up with that 28 elders meshugas?

Matt: My crack research team. So, what about the Whiteskin? Is there pressure from non-Native American groups to change that name?

Geronimo: We already did. 50 years ago. They used to be called the Lying Deceitful White Bastard. There was a lot of pressure to change–

Matt:  I would think so. I guess you bowed to pressure realizing that the nickname was highly offensive.

Geronimo: Not really. The problem was that it was hard to fit the whole farshtunken nickname on the jersey.

Matt: Yes, but isn’t the new name still offensive in this day and age?

Geronimo: Day and age? Kinehora. Why? “Whiteskin” has been a venerable nickname for that franchise for 50 years. It is a symbol of intelligence and pride; it’s not offensive at all. Plus, it’s also a type of potato.

Matt: Hmmm. So, can you tell me why your teams have only nicknames, and no city names?

Geronimo:  We believe in the universality and permanence of the symbol. We don’t limit it to a time and place. Good shabbes.

Matt: I’ve gotta ask you, man. Why all the Jewish and Yiddish expressions? I notice your last name’s Rosenbloom. Do you consider yourself Jewish?

Geronimo: No, not at all. But my bubbe…er, my maternal grandfather, you may have heard of him…Rabbi  Yosi “Talking Bull” Saperstein?

Matt:  No, can’t say I have.

Geronimo: Well, he left the pulpit to become Yosi “The Scrambling Rabbi” Saperstein, a great QB. My Dad, Herbie “Sixkiller” Rosenbloom, won the Swooping Falcon Bowl five times as a hard-hitting defensive back for the Wandering Bear. But, I left the religion a few years ago. So, how’s with you?

Matt: Why did you leave? Was it an internal conflict over the Passover story, the Chosen People thing, the guilt?

Geronimo: Nah, it was a fight with my dad over food. I’d rather nosh on some walrus flipper soup and some bird brain stew with corn mush than eat that damn gefilte fish. The chutzpah of him.

Matt: One last question or two for you, Geronimo. How is the coming season for the NAFL coming along, and how do you think the Whiteskins, er, the Whiteskin will do?

Geronimo:  We’re looking good. Our expansion committee is looking to add a fifth team. If so, ESPN 43 is looking into televising our games. We just have to work out how much we have to pay them. As for the Whiteskin, you want in on a little secret?

Matt: Yea, hook me up!

Geronimo: The Whiteskin never win shit. L’chaim!




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