Blog, blog…

I’m not sure if I have anything to say

Blog, blog (anyway)

But I promise you that this was less than 60 minutes to write, and only seven to read.



Some of my best—I won’t say only—thinking comes at fast food joints. Nothing too alarming there. I don’t think.


A couple of mid-afternoons ago, I was running around without any breakfast or lunch and had some time before my next appointment. I found a recently opened Five Guys (Burgers and Fries).


This fattening oasis greeted me with a warning on the door confessing that they have peanuts in open containers. I’m not sure when peanuts became so deadly, requiring the equivalent of UN inspectors to investigate their whereabouts. Maybe, I should be more sensitive, but it all seems like a shell game to me.




A very pretty, red-shirted cashier greeted me in such a way that it  transported me back in time. I sensed a strong mutual attraction, even if most of my own red t-shirts are older than her. Still, I went with it, and was delaying my order while feeling my stomach deflate from a keg to a six-pack. All good stuff…


Magically, I was living in the day when I could eat anything and everything and lose weight in the process. Decades before there was a Five Guys, I ate like two or three guys but barely filled my seat with my derriere. Buffets were not as prevalent back then, but I did put a few spaghetti places out of business, or at least forced them to discontinue their all-you-can-eat pasta nights…


Still, I didn’t go too crazy. Lolita took my order of a burger (no cheese, never any cheese if you’re taking notes) with lettuce, tomatoes and just a little fried onions. One order of fries and…could I just have a cup of water? I’m a fairly healthy drinker.


Intrepidly—and with no OSHA mask—I made it over to the open peanut display and scooped some of those bad boys into a container or two. These are the free appetizers at Five Guys.


From time to time, I tried to stealthily stalk Lita (I was now on a double-generation nickname basis with her and wasn’t feeling “Lola”) with my eyes while shelling my nuts and awaiting my fries. The boys behind the counter were filling some orders while old-school jams were blaring on the speakers. Some Fleetwood Mac, a Joe Walsh, a Led Zep and…I’m getting too old to remember the rest, but you get the scene. I was digging it.


My number was called and I picked up my order, which was placed in a greasy, non-descript paper bag. The absurdly mountainous order of fries is placed in a small cup in the same manner that Roseanne Barr would’ve been poured into Kate Moss’s bathing suit. Spilling over, ooziing grease and fat. Was that analogy old school enough for you?


I forgot all about the peanuts and even imagined myself working my next summer job at this joint. The boys seemed to be about my age, and I’m sure they got free burgers every day. I’d get to work with Lita, and maybe even pocket more dough than I did this past summer, even if I spent some on her.


Do you see any downside?


The single-sized and single-thinking me made pretty short work of the ultra-tasty patties. Now, there was the five-guys-worth of fries to contend with.


Yeah, I still consider it bad form to leave edible food that my hosts prepared uneaten. And these fries were most edible, even if their total consumption precluded me from ordering another burger. Back in the day, that would’ve been a distinct probability, as would have been some Tastykake chocolate cupcakes.


Maybe, I was getting older. I barely noticed that Lita cruised out the door for her lunch break. If she glanced my way, I missed it. There were fries to finish off, boys and girls. I ended up leaving two or them in the cup…or was it the greasy bag? The other 12,158 were but memories.


When I walked back to the soda tap to fill my water. I barely made it out of my seat. My stomach felt like two-and-half-men were inside, or was it three men and a baby?


I was aging before my fries.


Back to reality and the realization that I couldn’t eat like this every day and even maintain my present, unenviable physique. So what if those dudes behind the counter could metabolize everything Five Guys had to offer.


As I stumbled to the exit, I think I heard The Band playing.


Five Guys tasting – greasy and yummy

Who gives a crap – can’t move my tummy

Oh, you don't know the shape I'm in


Blug, blug…



As always, thank you for reading. Please check out my other books, blogs and speaking information.



2 Responses to Two-and-a-Half…Fries?

  • admin says:

    You Humor Blogging genius you! re:"absurdly mountainous order of fries is placed in a small cup in the same manner that Roseanne Barr would’ve been poured into Kate Moss’s bathing suit"

    I guess that fact that that crack made me grin means I need to hand in my Angry Liberated Woman's  membership badge. AndI I admit I did think it was funny when she grabbed her fake balls while Singing the Star Spangled Banner (Roseanne that is – not Kate :>}).

  • admin says:

    Thanks, Karen…let me know if there's video of Kate Moss doing the same, with or without fries.